“Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I must push my foot stealthily lest I should fall off the edge of the world into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body.”
~ Virginia Woolf, The Waves
People, I have returned.
I am trying to crawl out of my depression, which has gripped me tightly with its sharp claws since I started trying to get well. I struggled and fought, but in the end I fell down into the hole. And I fell asleep there.
These past few days I’ve been so withdrawn I practically evaporated. I haven’t been able to sleep at night, so I’ve been sleeping ridiculously late every day. I haven’t been eating properly, so trying not to let that turn into an eating disorder. I just sit down and stare into the distance, getting lost in an imaginary future and memories of the past.
In an effort to stop this habit, I am writing this. I miss blogging, somewhere in my mind, and I don’t want to lose it forever. I can’t let any more time pass.
Life’s too long to spend sitting in your bedroom singing severely angsty songs.
I think I’ll reserve the daydreams for getting myself to sleep, and start eating properly again. I know I can find that pool of strength inside me. Even now, I am fighting a headache and wincing at my stomach cramps, trying to focus on writing, and stopping regularly to float off in the distance.
But none of that matters, because I will find the will to live.
I will do it for everyone else with Bipolar (disclaimer: I am pretty sure I have it, but remain undiagnosed) and Insomnia (also undiagnosed), for everyone else who needs strength, because I believe I can help you as well as myself.
I will win this fight.
You will win this fight.
We will win this fight.