“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”
~ David Jones
This one is for all the people that don’t understand depression, and actually, it’s also for the people who do.
So sit up, get your pen, and take notes. Remember my words, when your partner won’t get out of bed in the morning, when you see that dead look in your friend’s eye. Remember my words, when your friend is looking at you, bewildered, when your partner yells the horrible sentence: “What do you expect!?”
Let’s imagine for a minute that your brain is a factory, a labyrinth of corridors, shelves, and rooms. You are the only worker in this factory, and it’s your job to make sure everything’s working. There is a massive generator that keeps all the lights and stuff going while you do your work.
And one day, while you’re at the opposite end of the factory, someone breaks in, flips the switch to turn off the lights, and then stalks you, as you pathetically try and find your way to the generator. Have you got the image in your head? Good.
So you’re feeling your way along the walls, hopelessly lost and hysterical. You keep hearing footsteps behind you, and then a voice whispers in your ear.
“You’ll never find your way back.”
“You’re useless, give it up.”
“You were always terrible at your job anyway.”
“May as well just stay here until you die.”
“What is there to fight for anyway?”
You stumble around until you forget what the light felt like, until you forget why you want it back. And all the time, the voice keeps telling you to give up.
That’s what depression is like.
It smears greasy fingerprints all over your vision, bullies you, and it gets to the point where you’re looking at the person in front of you, and you can’t hear them.
They’re telling you they love you, but how can that be true? What is there to love? They must be lying.
They’re asking you to snap out of it, because you’re upsetting them. What? How can I do that? Why would I want to?
They just don’t understand you. You have such a perfect life. I do? Ha. Hahahahahaha. That’s funny. But I can’t laugh. I don’t have the energy.
There’s nothing more painful than people that don’t understand. Can’t understand. Won’t understand. Will never understand.
There’s nothing worse than somebody giving up on you. And they do, inevitably. Because who waits around for a face as blank as stone?
Well, some people do.
Please, don’t give up on us. We are all struggling to reach our generator, and when you give up on us, it gives us a reason to believe the stalker in our heads.
So next time, hug your partner close. Tell them you love them, and you’re not giving up on them. Buy your friend their favourite cake and sit them in front of their favourite film.
Wait for the storm cloud to pass. It always does.
Today, I’ve had a mad burst of mania, which makes a change from the last few weeks, which have melded into one black blur. In a way, I am grateful when I get my crazy good moods.
Today, though, I haven’t been able to concentrate at all, which is not usual for me. Normally, when mania comes out to play, I can bang out six blog posts in an hour, run five miles straight without panting, and generally bounce off the walls.
I have had it like this before, though not quite as bad. I don’t think the insomnia has helped my case either. All I want to do is burrow under my blankets and read my book.
Still, I am sure I’ll have a good day soon. Don’t worry, folks, I am determined.
At least I can write a follow-up to this post about mania! I’m very keen to fight the stigma surrounding Bipolar, specifically, and what better way to do it than to blog?
(Don’t answer that – manic rhetorical question!)
~ Ross 😉