I’m going to talk about a moment we have all experienced, and will go on experiencing probably for the rest of our lives.
So let me describe the scene.
You’re surrounded by people. Everyone else is laughing, talking, having fun. And you’re frozen to the spot. Curled up on your chair, maybe with a fake smile on your face, even a genuine one. But you aren’t laughing.
Suddenly, you aren’t a part of the fun anymore. You’ve become an observer, an outsider.
And then that little voice in your head starts up.
“What are you sitting here for?”
“Nobody here loves you.”
“They all hate you.”
“You’re going to hurt them”
On, and on, and on, until tears prick at your eyes, and you have to go somewhere to be on your own.
One of the strongest things I’ve ever done was to stay put, when my brain was bullying me like that. I stuck to my guns, and sat there with tears running down my face, while everyone else was laughing and talking. Nobody noticed, but I still stayed there.
Eventually I won that battle and joined in on the laughing again.
That voice is always there. And I think we deserve some credit for that. Every single day is a constant battle, until mania comes along, and then we’re a ticking time bomb.
Writing this post is really difficult. My mind keeps hopping around like Tigger on MDMA. I’m so distracted it almost hurts to type.
And there’s so many distractions. I keep laughing at the rabbits outside, trying to figure out what the clouds look like, or I stop typing and stare blankly at the screen while thinking about random things. And I keep singing along to my music, analysing the lyrics.
If I didn’t have my music on, I would be ten times worse, though. Silence and me are not close friends.
So I think that we should be given a bit more credit than we get.
In a film I recently watched, Still Alice, the woman gets early onset Alzheimer’s. And at one point in the film, she says to her husband, “I wish I had Cancer.”
And I think we all know how she feels. We wish for something, anything but this. An excuse for how we are. Because somehow, society has made it shameful for there to be something wrong with our brains. It’s more socially acceptable for us to have, say, Cancer.
I’ve already said as much, but it really does make it worse when nobody understands.
This is why I implore you. If you have Bipolar, or anything misunderstood, for that matter, then make a blog. If you have one, then follow other people with the same problem. And reblog posts about it.
We can beat the stigma, if we try.
I don’t expect much of a reaction, but still, I have to try 🙂
I believe in you guys. Let’s fight the everyday battle together, and try to do it with pride.